Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
