Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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