she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
