Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
