1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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