dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You've changed since you got that strap on
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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