Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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