I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
