sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
