I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
