If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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