It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
