THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
