If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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