A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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