so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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