I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
