its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
