last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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