If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
being pregnant is like rehab
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
