I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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