Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
