Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
