Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
