So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
