Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
