in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
