i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My feet surprised me
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
