god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
