I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just sucked dick on a ferry
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
