He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
