Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
