Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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