If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
