i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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