I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
