what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
