Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
