Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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