cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
