Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
