I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
