Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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