2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
