my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
