I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
