my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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