the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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