what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
