Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
