All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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