Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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