Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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