So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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